Tag Archives: redemption

Unflappable Tenacity

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A number of years ago, I put together a few Bible verses to memorize, with the goal of pursuing an unflappable tenacity within myself. I wanted to be calm and composed no matter how rough and uncertain my life circumstances were, and I wanted to persevere in faith through all my struggles and trials. I had spent much of my life losing my temper and getting angry or hysterical when life became overwhelming, and often it did not take much to feel overwhelmed. I also gave up on so many commitments, including a marriage, and I did not want to have so little integrity anymore.

Sadly, memorizing those verses did not lead me to resolving these issues in my life. I became worse, continuing to give up on many things, becoming angrier and angrier, and I was in a constant depression. As I gave more ground to the enemy, my heart filled with darkness, and I backslid in my faith so much that I believe I was willing to commit any vile sin. But I remember having a sincere desire to overcome this anxiety in my heart and give it to the Lord.

I recently heard a sermon where the preacher spoke about his struggle with anxiety and depression, and how he prayed and prayed and spoke to a counselor and how in the end it was being alone with God that brought the healing. I say, “Bogus!” God does not heal us simply by reading and praying and asking him to fix us. We are broken, and we need to do the work to repair our brokenness. We cannot fix ourselves, but God will not meet us unless we first walk toward him, and we do that by doing the very thing Jesus said that marked the beginning of his ministry.

From that time on Jesus began to preach, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” (Matt 4:17, NIV)

My anxiety is caused by a lack of faith in God, when I do not trust him to take care of me and instead feel I must resolve all my problems on my own (Matt 6:24-34, Phil 4:4-7). Anxiety is also caused by my lack of contentment with what I have, when I look at what others have and want more rather than being satisfied with the food and clothing God provides me (1 Tim 6:6-10, Phil 4:12-13, Jam 4:1-3). God does not provide heaven on earth for us, if he did then we would never grow in godly character (Matt 19:16-30).

I remember when I was younger, I was so much more giving, and I allowed myself to be taken advantage of without feeling any need to get even or seek justice. Years go by, offenses pile up in my heart, and later I find myself being sharp with others, thinking angry and demeaning thoughts, being irritated by small innocuous disturbances, and holding onto offenses even though I think I have let them go. It would be easy for me to say that this is “just the way I am” and expect to struggle with this for the rest of my life.

I cannot do that, though. God is the Healer (Exo 15:26), the Provider (Gen 22:14), the Creator (Gen 1:1), and he loves me so much, more than I can even imagine (John 3:16). All he wants from me is to humbly come to him, broken and contrite (Isa 66:2), acknowledging my sin and unholiness and unworthiness (Isa 6:5), and asking for his strength and wisdom and mercy (Psa 51, Col 1:9-14). I know this is true, because when I was younger I saw myself make great changes in my life as I pursued Christ, but I gave up on so many things after being separated from Christian fellowship (that is worth an article of its own).

More recently, I have again seen great changes in myself. When I met my current wife, she challenged me to repent, which greatly offended me and I did not understand why. I went to the word of God and realized she was correct, that I did need to repent, that I could not allow myself to be angry. You see, I did not recognize how much anger I had in me until my current wife brought it out in me. It will seem odd to say this, but God perfectly matched us to poke and prod each other in the ways that most offended us. We have been forced to deal with our darkest darkness, to “admit it and quit it,” in order to make our marriage work, and we both wanted to honor God by persevering in the vow we made to one another and to God.

Today, I am so far from the depression and anxiety I once had! And it did not come from simply asking God to fix me, from spending time with God, from memorizing Bible verses or any of that. It came from doing what Jesus said, repenting, and from pursuing what he taught us in the sermon on the mount (Matt 5-7), where he said we must love even our enemies, leaving no ground for any unforgiveness or anger in our hearts. I am not there yet! But I have come so far from where I was that I know good things are ahead. I have faith and hope, do you?

So you see, God did honor my heart’s desire to grow in unflappable tenacity. I may not be as unflappable as I would like, but I know that those around me see me being more solid than I ever have been, especially as I have navigated a number of personal tragedies and struggles recently. I have also proven to be tenacious in how I have persevered in my marriage and at work and through all these struggles. I have grown in my faith as I come to God acknowledging my humble sinful state, and trust in his strength as I push through seemingly overwhelming circumstances. I pray you will also experience this, my friends.

Blessings!

That Distant Darkness

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What awaits you in that distant darkness ahead? © laszlolorik - Fotolia.com

What awaits you in that distant darkness ahead?
© laszlolorik – Fotolia.com

I recently changed (day) jobs and the transition has not been as smooth as I anticipated. This is causing me stress that is sapping my energy and joy, which affects my family life.

My wife encouraged me last night to listen to the advice I gave her a couple months ago when she changed careers. This was: to let go of the past and all my mistakes, to focus on today, and to do so trusting in the Lord for the results (the future). This is good advice that gave me instant peace, because it is true.

This morning she pointed me to a couple Bible verses that say exactly what she reminded me of.

Mat 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (NIV1984)

This is actually a memory verse of mine, one of the first verses I clung to over 15 years ago, and for good reason. It is a common struggle of mine, and probably many others. It is difficult to let go of our need for food, shelter, and clothes, for provision and protection. As a man, I feel obligated to maintain a good job so that I can provide for and protect my family. Going through a rocky transition always creates fear over what will happen tomorrow, whether I will be able to pay the bills and keep us in a home. It is an act of faith to trust God with the results of my decisions and actions.

In seeking God, I am not lazy but hard working. I am not rebellious but a good servant who listens to instructions and attends to the needs of management and customers. I am not wasteful but a good steward of resources. I am not disrespectful but polite to everyone, even when I am upset or offended. (All of these come from a heart guided by Matt 5:3-10, not a legalistic list of do’s and don’ts.)

And when I fail in these or other areas, this is still true: I am not perfect but a work in progress, and God is my judge not the critics (including my inner voices) who intentionally or unintentionally bring me down.

Here is another verse she pointed me to, one I was not familiar with.

Deu 29:29 The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions. (LASB:NLT Bible)

We are only accountable for what we know, this I knew. But the future is an unknown, which means it is in God’s hands, and this I never thought of! Is this not encouraging? It still takes great faith to move forward today without knowing what will happen tomorrow, especially when so much of my past screams out my potential to fail. But I want to be a man of faith, so I must take this challenge head on and press forward into the future, in faith, seeking God’s kingdom first and trusting that my decisions are in his hands.

One more verse that many are probably familiar with.

Psa 119:105 Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path. (HCSB St)

It was pointed out to me that a lamp only provides light for a few footsteps ahead of you in the dark, but you cannot see the distance ahead of you where you are going. That distant darkness that you cannot see, that is what you trust to the Lord, whether it is good or bad, favor or correction, life or death, prosperity or poverty. I can trust in God for that darkness because I know the end of that darkness is being in heaven, in the glorious presence of my God.

Blessings!

Comments on Bastards

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I read the book Rat Bastards in my research of the criminal world while I was writing my book The Rage. I am still researching this topic because I imagine I’ll continue to at least touch on organized crime as I write more wonderful, compelling novels. Most of my comments will be about the person and life of Shea, but I will provide a bit of a review first.

First of all, if you are looking for a book that will give insight into the thinking of a gangster, I highly recommend Rat Bastards. The whole book is told from the perspective of John “Red” Shea, an Irish gangster who worked under Whitey Bulger in Boston, who as a very young man took on a significant role with the drug trade in Bulger’s racket. As the law moved in on the organization, Shea alone held to the code of not becoming an informant, only to learn the man who taught him how to be a gangster and instilled this code in him was himself an FBI informant, the man Whitey Bulger. The book’s title is the theme, and Shea’s feelings toward those who “rat” out their fellow gangsters are expressed throughout. While there are not a lot of details of crimes, that isn’t really what this book is for, and that should be understood since Shea shouldn’t be expected to divulge those details after spending 12 years in prison for keeping his mouth shut. However, you will definitely get inside the thinking of a successful gangster. Well, as far as I know—I have no ties to organized crime so I personally can’t verify the perspective!

As the book came to a close, I grew a strong distaste for Shea’s bullying personality. In particular, he enforced the idea that being a man meant getting into fights you knew you couldn’t win—he abandoned friends when they backed down from fights to avoid spending more time in prison, even forcing one to opt for solitary confinement. Granted, I understand the dangerous need to assert oneself among hardened criminals, but I also detest this idea that men must assert themselves with violence (even verbal or emotional) rather than work toward peaceful resolutions. I’ve seen this view in security and the military, and I see this view in the belief that leaders shouldn’t admit they are wrong because that is weakness. I’ve seen people play the fool trying to be this kind of “man” and “leader.” Real men admit they are wrong, real men compromise and work toward peaceful solutions, real men stand by their morals even if it means social ridicule; Shea’s false ideal of manhood is based entirely on the perception of others, and on violence.

However, I had to remind myself that he was taught to be like this from his youth. He was behaving in accordance with the values and perspectives instilled in him. As I continued reading, Shea spoke of heaven and God and forgiveness, admitting he believes he won’t be forgiven and expects to spend eternity in hell. This saddened me because I know so many people have this misconception of the grace of Jesus.

I want to point out Shea’s character strengths. He was hard-working and gave his all to what he did, never doing the minimum to get a job done but pursuing excellence. He was a learner, eager to glean Bulger’s wisdom and advice and implement it in his life. He was confident and intelligent. He was competitive, always striving to be the best. He had a very positive attitude; even in prison he attempted to lift the spirits of others. He was a leader, unafraid to step up and take charge. He had the mettle and foresight to not only acknowledge that prison was a potential result of his life of crime, but to accept it when it came—without excuses.

He held to a moral code, admittedly limited to physical courage and not being a rat. He was willing to sacrifice so much, holding to this code while facing years of prison even after learning of Bulger’s betrayal. If we Christians could be so faithful! Unfortunately, Shea’s code didn’t prohibit lies, theft, racism, violence and murder. There was little respect for others, their persons or values or perspectives. There was no sympathy, kindness, gentleness, humility, or sexual purity. But the code he had, he lived by without hypocrisy. What would his life have been like if he had a positive male role model who instilled better values in him?

But he didn’t have that. He had a father who wasn’t around and didn’t even try to be a part of his life. And he had Bulger instilling gangster values. This is how I try to see people—I try not to look at all the things they do that upset my religious sentiments, but look past their actions to see what motivated the actions. If you can’t see that, then you’ll never be able to understand a person, or help them. Judgment doesn’t help people, grace does (Rom 2:1-4).

If I could tell Shea something, it would be that heaven has not closed its doors to him. No matter how “bad” you’ve been, God’s redemption is always available to you (Eph 2:8-9). It does require humility and submission, but if you recognize that you are submitting to the God of the whole universe, it can’t be that bad, right? The blood of Jesus was shed for all, including John “Red” Shea. I hope Shea reads my book The Rage because I believe it will hit him right where he needs to be hit.

You can find both books here:

Rat Bastards

The Rage

Be blessed