A number of years ago, I put together a few Bible verses to memorize, with the goal of pursuing an unflappable tenacity within myself. I wanted to be calm and composed no matter how rough and uncertain my life circumstances were, and I wanted to persevere in faith through all my struggles and trials. I had spent much of my life losing my temper and getting angry or hysterical when life became overwhelming, and often it did not take much to feel overwhelmed. I also gave up on so many commitments, including a marriage, and I did not want to have so little integrity anymore.

Sadly, memorizing those verses did not lead me to resolving these issues in my life. I became worse, continuing to give up on many things, becoming angrier and angrier, and I was in a constant depression. As I gave more ground to the enemy, my heart filled with darkness, and I backslid in my faith so much that I believe I was willing to commit any vile sin. But I remember having a sincere desire to overcome this anxiety in my heart and give it to the Lord.

I recently heard a sermon where the preacher spoke about his struggle with anxiety and depression, and how he prayed and prayed and spoke to a counselor and how in the end it was being alone with God that brought the healing. I say, “Bogus!” God does not heal us simply by reading and praying and asking him to fix us. We are broken, and we need to do the work to repair our brokenness. We cannot fix ourselves, but God will not meet us unless we first walk toward him, and we do that by doing the very thing Jesus said that marked the beginning of his ministry.

From that time on Jesus began to preach, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” (Matt 4:17, NIV)

My anxiety is caused by a lack of faith in God, when I do not trust him to take care of me and instead feel I must resolve all my problems on my own (Matt 6:24-34, Phil 4:4-7). Anxiety is also caused by my lack of contentment with what I have, when I look at what others have and want more rather than being satisfied with the food and clothing God provides me (1 Tim 6:6-10, Phil 4:12-13, Jam 4:1-3). God does not provide heaven on earth for us, if he did then we would never grow in godly character (Matt 19:16-30).

I remember when I was younger, I was so much more giving, and I allowed myself to be taken advantage of without feeling any need to get even or seek justice. Years go by, offenses pile up in my heart, and later I find myself being sharp with others, thinking angry and demeaning thoughts, being irritated by small innocuous disturbances, and holding onto offenses even though I think I have let them go. It would be easy for me to say that this is “just the way I am” and expect to struggle with this for the rest of my life.

I cannot do that, though. God is the Healer (Exo 15:26), the Provider (Gen 22:14), the Creator (Gen 1:1), and he loves me so much, more than I can even imagine (John 3:16). All he wants from me is to humbly come to him, broken and contrite (Isa 66:2), acknowledging my sin and unholiness and unworthiness (Isa 6:5), and asking for his strength and wisdom and mercy (Psa 51, Col 1:9-14). I know this is true, because when I was younger I saw myself make great changes in my life as I pursued Christ, but I gave up on so many things after being separated from Christian fellowship (that is worth an article of its own).

More recently, I have again seen great changes in myself. When I met my current wife, she challenged me to repent, which greatly offended me and I did not understand why. I went to the word of God and realized she was correct, that I did need to repent, that I could not allow myself to be angry. You see, I did not recognize how much anger I had in me until my current wife brought it out in me. It will seem odd to say this, but God perfectly matched us to poke and prod each other in the ways that most offended us. We have been forced to deal with our darkest darkness, to “admit it and quit it,” in order to make our marriage work, and we both wanted to honor God by persevering in the vow we made to one another and to God.

Today, I am so far from the depression and anxiety I once had! And it did not come from simply asking God to fix me, from spending time with God, from memorizing Bible verses or any of that. It came from doing what Jesus said, repenting, and from pursuing what he taught us in the sermon on the mount (Matt 5-7), where he said we must love even our enemies, leaving no ground for any unforgiveness or anger in our hearts. I am not there yet! But I have come so far from where I was that I know good things are ahead. I have faith and hope, do you?

So you see, God did honor my heart’s desire to grow in unflappable tenacity. I may not be as unflappable as I would like, but I know that those around me see me being more solid than I ever have been, especially as I have navigated a number of personal tragedies and struggles recently. I have also proven to be tenacious in how I have persevered in my marriage and at work and through all these struggles. I have grown in my faith as I come to God acknowledging my humble sinful state, and trust in his strength as I push through seemingly overwhelming circumstances. I pray you will also experience this, my friends.

Blessings! – Shamar Covenant