Have Your Way In Me

Recently, I was trying to get somewhere. As a truck driver working for a company (as opposed to having my own running authority where I find my own loads to pull), I had to get dispatched with a load to that destination. I put in the request for this “home time” well in advance. When the time approached, I could tell that I was not going to make my destination at the requested time, and I became frustrated.

Actually, I was angry. When I contacted my driver leader about this, I was also sleepy. I needed to get rest during the day, normal working hours for most, including my driver leader. My rest was interrupted continually with various dispatches that would not work. I sent a couple rude messages (Via my truck computer! Super-cool high-speed stuff, I know!) to my driver leader until I received a dispatch that appeared to have me sitting at my current location for almost two days, and I sent another rude message to my driver leader about that. When I say “rude,” you should read “angry.”

After this last message, I lay back down on my bed (My truck has a bed in the back! Too cool, I know!) and for some reason a song popped in my head, the song I posted above [Unspoken “Lift My Life Up” @unspokenmusic]. Specifically, my favorite part of the lyrics, “Have your way in me,” were singing in my thoughts. A peace came over my body, which had been tense with anxiety and anger. I got up and responded to the ridiculous dispatch only to realize that it started the next day, not two days away as I thought. Oops. As I was accepting that dispatch, my driver leader sent me a very polite message verifying the start time for the pick-up and asking if I was reading the dispatch correctly. My response was very short, “I wasn’t, just figured it out, sorry. I just accepted the load.”

It was late in the day and my driver leader left work shortly after. Laying back down, I got to thinking about how rude I had been and how wholly inadequate my apology message was, the song lyrics still singing in my head. I needed to give a real apology. Unfortunately, I had to wait till the next morning, but this actually gave me time to think up what I hope was a very good apology. The next morning, this is the message I sent him:

B–, I need to apologize, and I’m sorry I didn’t send this yesterday as soon as I realized my mistake. I was very rude yesterday. I was angry because I knew I wasn’t going to get to my home time destination, and then I was also trying to sleep while the dispatches were coming in and wasn’t paying attention. There’s no excuse, though. The Bible says, “man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires,” (Jam 1:20 NIV84) and I was far from righteous yesterday. I’m doing better controlling my anger, but I failed yesterday. Thank you for helping me as best you were able, I appreciate your work. I hope I do much better in the future. Blessings, Temujin

What makes my angry, rude messages more foolish was before any of those dispatches came in, I prayed with my girlfriend about God guiding where I would get dispatched, because I knew it was up in the air. Instead of waiting for the dispatches with faith and trust, I gave in to the angry response. And I already knew I would not make my home time!

I often say that I am a “bad Christian” because I am so aware of how far short of the mark I fall. But my girlfriend’s pastor recently told me that I am not a bad Christian, I am a work in progress. If I was bad, that would mean God looks at me based on my works, but he does not. He looks at me based on the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, therefore I cannot be a “bad” Christian. I do still sin, though, and am in the process of sanctification, progressing toward the goal of Christ-like perfection that I will not reach in this life.

I really like Unspoken’s song “Lift My Life Up” and always raise a hand while singing it. In context with my rude anger, I realized how I need God to have his way in me. His ways are righteous, and mine are selfish. So I will lift my hands up, lift my life up, and call to God to have his way in me, to work out all my anger and turn it into peace and love and joy, especially toward others. I am, after all, Christ’s ambassador.

Blessings

P.S. If you pass me while driving (not very difficult since I drive at 57-58mph), and you see me with one hand on the steering wheel and the other raised in the air as I sing something with almost distracting enthusiasm, I may just be singing and worshipping to Unspoken’s song. I really like that song.

The Rot of Atheism

With or without justice, we will all some day rot
© lipowski – Fotolia.com

There was this guy at a church I attended for a period of time who had a story; it went like this. He was an accountant who entered into a partnership with another, but one day federal agents came and told him one of the deals he and his partner conducted was illegal. This was strange to him, because he did not know anything about this deal. It was his partner’s, but the partner’s name was not on the documentation. After years of being harassed by federal agents and taking his case all the way to the Supreme Court, he learned that his partner was actually connected to organized crime and had dumped the illicit business on his shoulders. However, the courts were so convinced he was a well-connected gangster that they initially denied his request for court appointed counsel, which he required since his assets had been frozen; his fate was sealed when the appointed counsel did not call any witnesses to his defense. The counsel apparently also believed he was a gangster. He spent four years in prison and can no longer practice his profession. That business partner, who truly was a gangster, died peacefully in his bed without ever experiencing justice.

Switching gears, I was watching a TV interview of an atheist group promoting their viewpoint at a booth (or rather, opposing the Christian perspective), when they were asked, “What happens when you die?” Their response was, “You rot.”

I think this is significant. If there is no God, no ultimate Creator, no Supreme Being looking out for us, then when we die, we rot. There would be no judgment, which some people would cheer about, but there also would be no justice.

I have another example, something that affects us all. A few years ago America went through an economic crisis that we, and the world, are still recovering from. Why did we have this crisis? The political and financial leadership of this country knew what would result from the risky lending and yet they allowed it to continue. None of the leadership elite suffered from the economic crisis, it was the poor and the middle class who suffered, and continue to suffer. The 10% of the country that is without work, the families that lost their homes, those driven to complete homelessness, these all suffered because the leadership of this country failed to do their job and interrupt something that was completely preventable. None of them will ever be punished for doing that to us. Not in this life, and if the atheists are correct, not after they lay to rot in the dirt.

I read a quote from a secular humanist society that went something like this, “What makes our belief so unattractive is that it is just so bad.” What this was referring to is that if there is no God then there is no morality, no punishment of the wicked, no vindication of the oppressed, and ultimately no hope. You are all on your own.

My point is that justice does not always happen in this life and often the wicked persevere, living comfortably while their innocent victims suffer until their death. These two examples of mine are about socio-economic suffering, but what about all those children kidnapped every year who are never found, possibly taken across borders to be forced into prostitution? Rape and murder victims whose assailant is never caught? How about the tens of millions of Chinese who died because of Mao Zedong’s screwy policies and political maneuvers, and other victims of self-serving dictators? There are copious examples that are even more extreme.

Apart from God, we are all on our own, destined to struggle and rot.

My book The Rage is about redemption, because I believe there is Someone looking out for us.

Be Blessed

How I Feel Today (October 2012)

I feel rent. Can you relate?
© Anchels – Fotolia.com

Rent

I push and pull, then heave struggle

To fight sans rest, oh toss this test

They sing and shout, so blind to doubt

I chafe then hide, can’t feign the pride

 

The shell in which I hide, conceals what is inside

The joy it seems presides, in me does not abide

 

It burns deeply within, a fight I want to end

I long for hope to win, can’t bear to fall again

 

Scripture tells me I’m blessed, heaven will follow death

What I desire is rest, I welcome what comes next

 

Unwilling to pre-empt, I’ll press ahead till spent

My faith in truth unbent, patient for my assent

 

* * *

 

Feeling incapable? Unworthy? Tired of the fight? My book The Rage is about not being good enough.

Hang in there, I am. And be blessed!

Comments on Bastards

I read the book Rat Bastards in my research of the criminal world while I was writing my book The Rage. I am still researching this topic because I imagine I’ll continue to at least touch on organized crime as I write more wonderful, compelling novels. Most of my comments will be about the person and life of Shea, but I will provide a bit of a review first.

First of all, if you are looking for a book that will give insight into the thinking of a gangster, I highly recommend Rat Bastards. The whole book is told from the perspective of John “Red” Shea, an Irish gangster who worked under Whitey Bulger in Boston, who as a very young man took on a significant role with the drug trade in Bulger’s racket. As the law moved in on the organization, Shea alone held to the code of not becoming an informant, only to learn the man who taught him how to be a gangster and instilled this code in him was himself an FBI informant, the man Whitey Bulger. The book’s title is the theme, and Shea’s feelings toward those who “rat” out their fellow gangsters are expressed throughout. While there are not a lot of details of crimes, that isn’t really what this book is for, and that should be understood since Shea shouldn’t be expected to divulge those details after spending 12 years in prison for keeping his mouth shut. However, you will definitely get inside the thinking of a successful gangster. Well, as far as I know—I have no ties to organized crime so I personally can’t verify the perspective!

As the book came to a close, I grew a strong distaste for Shea’s bullying personality. In particular, he enforced the idea that being a man meant getting into fights you knew you couldn’t win—he abandoned friends when they backed down from fights to avoid spending more time in prison, even forcing one to opt for solitary confinement. Granted, I understand the dangerous need to assert oneself among hardened criminals, but I also detest this idea that men must assert themselves with violence (even verbal or emotional) rather than work toward peaceful resolutions. I’ve seen this view in security and the military, and I see this view in the belief that leaders shouldn’t admit they are wrong because that is weakness. I’ve seen people play the fool trying to be this kind of “man” and “leader.” Real men admit they are wrong, real men compromise and work toward peaceful solutions, real men stand by their morals even if it means social ridicule; Shea’s false ideal of manhood is based entirely on the perception of others, and on violence.

However, I had to remind myself that he was taught to be like this from his youth. He was behaving in accordance with the values and perspectives instilled in him. As I continued reading, Shea spoke of heaven and God and forgiveness, admitting he believes he won’t be forgiven and expects to spend eternity in hell. This saddened me because I know so many people have this misconception of the grace of Jesus.

I want to point out Shea’s character strengths. He was hard-working and gave his all to what he did, never doing the minimum to get a job done but pursuing excellence. He was a learner, eager to glean Bulger’s wisdom and advice and implement it in his life. He was confident and intelligent. He was competitive, always striving to be the best. He had a very positive attitude; even in prison he attempted to lift the spirits of others. He was a leader, unafraid to step up and take charge. He had the mettle and foresight to not only acknowledge that prison was a potential result of his life of crime, but to accept it when it came—without excuses.

He held to a moral code, admittedly limited to physical courage and not being a rat. He was willing to sacrifice so much, holding to this code while facing years of prison even after learning of Bulger’s betrayal. If we Christians could be so faithful! Unfortunately, Shea’s code didn’t prohibit lies, theft, racism, violence and murder. There was little respect for others, their persons or values or perspectives. There was no sympathy, kindness, gentleness, humility, or sexual purity. But the code he had, he lived by without hypocrisy. What would his life have been like if he had a positive male role model who instilled better values in him?

But he didn’t have that. He had a father who wasn’t around and didn’t even try to be a part of his life. And he had Bulger instilling gangster values. This is how I try to see people—I try not to look at all the things they do that upset my religious sentiments, but look past their actions to see what motivated the actions. If you can’t see that, then you’ll never be able to understand a person, or help them. Judgment doesn’t help people, grace does (Rom 2:1-4).

If I could tell Shea something, it would be that heaven has not closed its doors to him. No matter how “bad” you’ve been, God’s redemption is always available to you (Eph 2:8-9). It does require humility and submission, but if you recognize that you are submitting to the God of the whole universe, it can’t be that bad, right? The blood of Jesus was shed for all, including John “Red” Shea. I hope Shea reads my book The Rage because I believe it will hit him right where he needs to be hit.

You can find both books here:

Rat Bastards

The Rage

Be blessed